Walking on a Tightrope

Today I was reminded of a life changing conversation I had years ago. At the time  I was 23 and in grad school- rethinking my relationship with God.  I was talking with a Christian friend, more wise that me and he listened intently as I was describing my struggles.  Then he made this observation,  "When I listen to you I get this picture:  I see you walking on a tightrope.  You're in a high wire act at the circus.  That tightrope is your life.  Your job as a Christian is to summon the courage and skill to walk safely across that tightrope from one end to the other.  Sure, God put a safety net under you, but it will still hurt if you fall, even though it won't kill you.  You're way up in the air and everything is up to you."

Sure, I could quote Scriptures that said differently, I had been a Christian for a while.  But what my friend observed was actually what my heart believed.  So- his vision was accurate.  I believed that striving to be good as a Christian was hard.  I was way up in the air and it was scary.  I didn't want to fail and failing was painful- I had done it too many times.  So I learned from my failures that God was not around to help, only forgive.  In the end,   it was all up to me.  I had no sense that God was my companion, just an observer who watched my struggles from beyond earth's horizon.   Yes, I believed that God forgave me, but I still paid a high price for each and every failure.  Being a Christian might be the right way to go, but it was no fun!

When I actually looked at what this meant, I was shocked. I realized that I didn't know the God of the Bible at all. I believed in a different god- one who was demanding, perfectionist, distant and unrelenting.

Immediately I confessed to God that I knew almost nothing of what the Bible teaches about God:  his infinite creativity, his wondrous joy, his tender companionship and his life changing mercy.  Sure I had sat in the lap of the church all my life, but what I learned from the church was not, at all, what the Scriptures taught.  I wanted to know the real God- not the God I had created in my head, not the God that I had been taught to believe.  I asked God to removed this false god from my life, heal my heart and lead me to the "truth that will set you free."  I wanted to know the God who is infinitely creative, imaginative and full of joy.  I want to know the God who stands with me, no matter my faults and whose companionship is eternal.  I want to know the God I see in Jesus.

Since that conversation happened years ago, all of this has happened.  Not that I know all that there is to know about an infinite God.  The more I know, the more I realize I don't know.  I'm standing in a precipice that has no bottom.  I'm staring up into space that is without boundaries.  But I am also coming to experience God's wild embrace that answers the longings of my heart.