"I hate you, God!" The words poured out of his mouth. Bill and I were sitting across from each other, but I had stepped aside. I said, "Bill, let your heart speak. Don't try to think about what you're going to say. Just let it out." And as Bill looked out into the empty space of my office that anger at God that was inside of him rose to the surface like a volcano.
His words shocked him, but they were also a relief. He had become increasingly uncomfortable in his own skin. Daily life was a chore. Prayer was a fruitless exercise. He did not know what was the matter. Bill was moving closer and closer to despair.
I wasn't surprised. Bill is a pastor who is perennially funny. He would have been a terrific stand up comedian. He always has a punchline ready. He makes you laugh. I love being around him, but the more I got to know him the less comfortable I became with his humor. I knew something else was lurking beneath the surface.
It's not a new revelation. Many of us manage our anger by making a joke. It was Richard Pryor who famously said, "I had to stop drinking because I was tired of waking up in my car driving ninety miles an hour!' This is Bill. His humor is both hilarious and heartbreaking.
There can be something quite valiant about humor in the face of tragedy. It is more than merely looking on the bright side (cue Monty Ponty, please). It is quite courageous, and a sign of an indomitable spirit- laughing in the face of the seemingly absurd. We admire the tenacity and the toughness of it. This kind of humor is the fuel of perseverance.
But, as is sometimes the case, Bill's humor was a cover for despair and quite the opposite of faith. There was no joy.
So Bill and I made some time to talk together. For too long Bill had lived under the tyranny of what he "should" do. My prayer was for God to give Bill a safe space where his heart could speak. Once Bill faced his profound anger at God- the God whom he served, Bill could begin to think about a different kind of life and discover a different kind of relaitonship with God- a life based more on love instead of mere obligations.
A life of joy, instead of bitter humor, is a life filled with love- ravishing, soul satisfying love. That is the kind of love God desires to pour into our hearts. This is the kind of love we see in Jesus.
This soul satisfying love is the fruit of a life lived out with Jesus rather than the stale bread of religious obligations. A life filled with this kind of love can still laugh in the face of absurdity, but it is a laugh of joyful triumph and not despair. For this kind of love tells us that tragedies of this life do not have the last word- God does.
